Hello readers,
So, one of the many things that happened while I was not writing the blog regularly (so basically, from February until now) was that I was nominated by a professor to apply for a highly prestigious and selective undergraduate research program at my school. I was highly attracted to the program, and so I asked this professor if she would write the recommendation letter necessary for the application. She agreed, and asked for my application essay so she could keep it in mind as she wrote her letter. Not only did she want the essay for that purpose, but she also wanted to be able to look it over and offer me suggestions. Additionally, she sent me a Word document full of guidelines for writing the essay. We met to discuss it, and she told me all about how she saw me as doing research in the future, being a great candidate for a Fulbright research fellowship, teaching at the university level, working in the field continuing research as a profession, et cetera. So she helped me completely reform my essay, and I figured I was getting a pretty glowing recommendation letter from her, in addition to the nomination, and she's a fellow in the program. She wholly approved of the essay, and so I sent in my application and hoped for the best. The one thing I was worried about was my first semester grades. They weren't fabulous, to say the least. Simply put, I should not have been in Chemistry or Calculus II for Engineers (I'm a languages and arts girl. Come on. What was I doing?!), and I should have worked harder in Philosophy. But I hoped that they would wait for second semester grades to come along, since I knew that they would a) show off what I'm good at, and b) be much, much improved.
I'd been anticipating news recently since a few of my friends who had also applied reported that they'd been rejected via email, and I had not yet received any emails or correspondence. Yesterday, I received word. I had been rejected, but invited to join the program as an affiliate, which seems like a weird in-between distinction where you're invited to the special events and whatnot, and you get guidance applying for other programs this group offers, but you don't get to do the paid research and work with a mentor-professor- which was the big draw of the program. It's not bad, since just to be an affiliate was a selective process as well, and it's better than nothing. But really? Special guidance with applications and invites to certain events? That's what I'm getting?
Readers, in case you can't tell, this was a blow. My father had told me, not unkindly, that he didn't think I had a shot because of my first semester GPA. My mother told me that they'd had no expectations (meaning that they weren't disappointed in me at all), and neither should I have had any. I so badly wanted to prove them wrong and prove that I am worthy of all the kinds of special distinctions and opportunities that I've had up until now in my education and other things. I wanted to have a special place in college and make things like they used to be. I'm not unhappy where I am, but I really wanted this. What's more is that I had started to dream up possibilities and plans and figure out where I was headed next, based on my getting into this. I didn't consider myself "in," but...
And then I know a girl from my high school who also applied to the program. If she gets in, pardon my language, but I will be royally pissed. I knew her all throughout high school. Nothing about her strikes me as passionate or committed. Sure, she's very intelligent. But come on. What does she really care about enough to put in three years' of research and then use it to make a difference? I have passion. I know what I want to research, and I care about stuff enough to put in that kind of work and make it valuable.
But I digress. Those were the kinds of thoughts running through my head last night. My classmate is a perfectly nice girl, and I don't actually know her that well. Maybe she does have passions. Maybe she does really care about stuff. I shouldn't judge her like that. But it is extremely frustrating. Things are just not going according to plan, and lots of stuff just keeps changing. I feel like I'm having a bit of a quarter/fifth-life crisis.
Then last night, I had a bit of a revelation. This will probably show you how privileged I've been thus far, and that I've had it relatively easy, but bear with me; I have something to say. First, I had to remind myself that there are far greater tragedies than an upper-middle-class girl being rejected from a prestigious research program at an elite university. Reality check. Then, I realized that I was just gonna have to work my ass off harder than I ever have before, plain and simple. This is the start of a new girl, the Imara 2.0, if you will. This is a test. How determined am I to prove myself and make myself a better, smarter, fitter, wiser, stronger person? How will I create my own opportunities? How will I distinguish myself from the pack? This Imara will go back to school having read more and knowing more than the rest of her peers. This Imara will go back to school healthier, leaner, and dare I say, sexier than she was in May. This Imara will know herself better than she ever has before. And this Imara will be a better student, friend, athlete, sister, and worker than she was last August when this all started.
Enough of talking about myself in the third person. Every day is another all-important step on the journey. Sure, mistakes will be made. And I welcome them as learning opportunities. But the time is now. The time is now to get up, get going, and move forward. The time is now to take my goals seriously, push myself, and accept the challenge. Every day I want to try and accomplish something new, or at least advance towards achieving one of my goals.
Here are my new mantras: Push yourself. Accept the challenge. Never settle. Make it all count.
Love,
Imara
P.S. In other news, I made cookies again, and my father specifically requested that I stop baking so much because "we really don't need it." That just means I'm really good at it and he can't resist it. :) Also, I jumped rope and did an unexpectedly very hard yoga video. I have a feeling that I will be sore tomorrow. Tough, because it'll be the last chance for me to go running before I have to take a few days off to go on a trip.
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