It's October?
The eighth month of the year? As in 5 months from today, the very first days of 2012 will already have gone by?
Um, when did this happen?!
P.S. Remember the last post I wrote where I said I was going to be more efficient about things? Progress has been mixed. On the one hand, I wasn't running out the door like a crazy person on Thursday morning for my 11 AM class. On the other hand, I did yoga maybe once, I hit the snooze button every single morning (for a 9 AM alarm. On a weekday. What kind of adult am I going to be??), I didn't take my vitamin as much as I should have, I went off green tea and onto coffee (hello, caffeine, my old friend), snacked too much at night, and didn't work out for two days in a row (I fear falling off the wagon, okay?).
But anyways. What was I going to talk about today? *pulls out shabby outline*
Oh boy. I just turned on my Sara Bareilles Pandora station. That means deep, meaningful girl music. So let's get down to business.
If I have to ask if I'm overanalyzing things, does that mean I already am? Because that question pops into my head about five times a day. Whoa. I think I have my answer to that one...
(NO. Michael Bublé's "Haven't Met You Yet" came on. Anyone else have a love-hate relationship with this song? At first, I loved it. And some days, I still do. I'll be like, "Oh hey! That's fun and upbeat and describes my life!" And then other days, when I'm really not feeling fun and upbeat, I think, "This still describes my life. Awesome." At which point I punch the skip button and crank up something more fitting like "White Blank Page" by Mumford & Sons.)
I have been reassured that I am not the only one who thinks too much. Thank you, friends, for helping me out there. But does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can...stop? I feel like I will just be a much funner, happier, more real person if I do. I can't ever remember being this self-conscious and cerebral. And I can't figure out how I got here or how I'm going to get out.
Also: I was nearly played. By a guy. Although I am slightly, guiltily pleased that he even wanted to hook up with me, I'm a little pissed. Actually, that's a lie. I'm a lot pissed and still a little disappointed. Super-short rundown: I had a crush on this kid. Big-time. He and I are polar opposites. He has serious issues with depression and self-esteem, and by virtue of my personality, I am a helper. Which means all I wanted to do was love him and fix him. Dangerous combination, especially considering we had opposing sets of moral values. Yeaahhhh. It was a good-girl-trying-to-save-the-bad-boy kind of thing. As it turns out, he had feelings for me too, but the timing wasn't right (he had a girlfriend, it took me several months to tell him how I felt, etc.) and we got stuck in what-if limbo.
I should have known better than to start Facebook chatting him again. To keep this short, he started telling me that he's back into some scary stuff and he missed me and he wanted to see me. And I, knowing in the back of my mind that he might want to hook up, but being optimistic that maybe he's changed and we could hang out as friends and I could help him out, I was like, "Yeah! We should!" Then he started asking me "how the guy market is." Then he got all flattering, saying "there's no guys because they all think they're out of your league and they're right." He called me "pretty girl." And that's when the ulterior motive alarm started to go off. I asked him to start talking about something else besides our shared lack of relationships, and he asked me what I do for fun. When I explained to him that I'm still a goody two shoes, he suggested that he be the one to end that pattern for me.
My jaw dropped. Seriously?! At which point I reminded him that I have rules- I don't want to be a hookup buddy. To which he said, "never mind." Never mind! That was all. And after I made it clear that I wasn't into that, he said we shouldn't even hang out.
WOW. That actually happened to me. A friend of mine called it the most insensitive booty call ever. And another called him a dog. I guess I should be thankful for his honesty, that we can now stop playing these games. But he didn't even pretend! He didn't even try to play it off at all. Once he realized that I wasn't letting anything happen, he just gave up. Well, he may have tried to guilt me a bit- he talked about how he just wants to feel numb and he got all excited for us to hang out. But there was no, "Wait, that's totally not what I meant!" It's like he doesn't even want to be friends unless we're gonna get busy.
That's the most disappointing thing for me. I didn't want to hook up, because I knew I would get emotionally attached. And getting into a relationship would be an absolutely terrible idea- it'd be long-distance, his problems are practically insurmountable, nor does he even want help. I just wanted to be able to stay friends with this kid. But my feeling is that he's not interested in any of that.
However, there's a serious plus side to this. And it's why I was able to go to bed last night feeling really good and even a little bit excited. I'm letting go. I am officially letting go. I feel like I can 100% move on. It's a really freeing thing to stand up for yourself, know what you want, and tell somebody, No. I don't want that. You're not getting it from me. I went to bed last night empowered. No heartache. A little fire. Feeling seriously kickass. Now that I'm moving past this guy, I feel more ready than I did before. I can move on to the next thing, with absolutely nothing holding me back. I'm turning the corner. And it feels so good. I told him that what he wanted wouldn't make me happier. I believe that. So we're closing that book now. The next one can start.
(Eh, no thanks, Sara Bareilles. I'm over the guy now. "Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine?! Yes please.)
On my outline, I have it written down that I was going to ask all these questions about making new friends, fitting in, being able to tell if you're awkward, if you're forcing your way into a group, whatever. But I'm in a good mood. I'm not dwelling on that stuff right now. I think I just need to stop thinking, and let it happen. I certainly wasn't this up in my head when I made all the friends that I have now. Maybe that's what's keeping me back this time. And let's face it, I've got nothing to lose. So why worry about it?
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| Oohhh, I kinda like putting the photo on the side. This is the delicious dough. |
I am trying to bake one more thing for my friends before I go home for fall break. I haven't decided what it will be yet, but I'm thinking chocolate and peanut butter. And once I get home for the week- holy crap. My family had better be hungry. Would you like a preview of the deliciousness you'll be seeing on this blog pretty soon? Apple crisp, chicken stew, cinnamon sugar pull-apart bread, pumpkin pie, apple pie, macaroni and cheese (with bacon. That is not a joke.), cinnamon sugar apple cake, maybe a pork, apple, and cider pie (yeah. Three pies.), and a variety of other baked goods to be determined. It'll be a good week. I mean, not for my waist. But for my soul. And for your eyes.
So I'm starting this week on a good note. It'll be a busy one. But I'm looking forward to it. I have two weeks until I head home and reset, two weeks until the halfway point, at which I will reflect and refocus. But today is a brand new day. I've got a new start, one that's been a long time coming. I'm feeling it.Before you go: look at this. It's hanging up right next to our door, as seen on the right, so that we see it every day as we go in and out and hopefully internalize it, letting it drive us through what we do. I'm also digging this quote right now, for reasons you can probably guess.
Get inspired. Keep moving forward. Be kind. Smile.
It's October!
Love,
Imara
